


pulling on your heart to push my luck

by bisexualsuki



Series: write to me [2]
Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: Alternate Canon, Clueless gays, Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Korrasami - Freeform, Korrasami is Canon, Nightmares, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rescue Missions, Sleeping Together, Slow Burn, Spirit World, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:47:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27856197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bisexualsuki/pseuds/bisexualsuki
Summary: “I felt so peaceful and safe melting into her like that that I didn’t have a chance to process it all. My body was at ease for the first time in I don’t know how long, and it quickly slipped into the shelter she had become."After spending months apart while Korra recovers from Zaheer’s poisoning, Asami comes to visit her for the Glacier Spirits Festival. Asami is insistent that Korra is just a friend, yet she can’t help but get closer and closer to her. Her true feelings are hard to ignore, though, when Korra goes missing and Asami has to rescue her before it's too late.PSA: So this is part 2 of the write to me series but it can be read as a standalone. But if you read part 1, you’ll probably wanna read part 2. Honestly you could also read them alongside each other if you really wanted, part 1 is written in letter form
Relationships: Korra/Asami Sato
Series: write to me [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2039289
Comments: 7
Kudos: 57





	1. The Southern Lights

Travelling by sea was something that I was used to, something that I had once really enjoyed, but this time around keeping my eyes open was proving to be a trying task. My father had taken me on countless business trips when I was younger, but he hadn't ever brought me with him until after the break-in. Both of us were too scared to leave me home alone, no matter how many bodyguards were there to protect me.

The first trip we took together was probably the first time either of us had felt happy since Mom's death. It was a few months after it happened–it took both of us a while to get back into our old routines, and his hesitation to leave me alone kept him from travelling until I offered to tag along. We only went to Harbor Town, but we felt like a family again. I was so determined to see an elephant koi that I spent the whole journey on the deck, craned over the railing as I watched the water below me. My poor father was seasick the whole time. He tried to explain to me that we were too far away from Kyoshi Island to see elephant koi, but I was just a kid. I didn't know any better and if it wasn't impossible, then it would be stupid not to try.

But it quickly became a tradition for us to watch out for the elusive elephant koi, just in case. And every time we didn't see one he'd promise to take me to Kyoshi Island someday.

We never got around to it. There just wasn't much business for us there. Kyoshi Island was a quiet and largely kept to itself but I had wanted to go ever since starting self-defense classes. As it turned out, I liked fighting, and I wasn't too bad at it, either. I wanted to get so good that I could live there for a while and train with the Kyoshi Warriors. Nobody ever heard much from the island, except that women took the lead on everything. Women were celebrated there. Women were safe there. Who wouldn't want to go?

Again, I never got around to it.

This time I hadn't looked for the elephant koi at all. I was probably just tired after being at sea for a few days, and towards the end of the trip I couldn't go out on the deck anyway. The water was unforgiving and the weather was so bad that the captain actually ordered us to stay inside. Aside from the risk of being thrown off the deck or being struck by lightning, stormy seas often irritated spirits. It wasn't uncommon for agitated spirits to take innocent sailors. If it could happen to the Avatar, it could happen to anyone.

The storm got so bad that we had to change course. I was supposed to arrive at the South Pole in the afternoon, but it was already later in the evening and I still hadn't made it. I killed the last few hours curled up in my cot, chewing on ginger drops as I tried to keep warm.

 _I guess the civil war and the narrowly-missed apocalypse distracted me from the cold last time,_ I thought as I let my eyes stay shut for a few seconds, on the condition that I would definitely open them again.

But they stayed shut longer than I'd promised myself and I had to force them apart. _In ten seconds, I'll close them for 3 seconds, then open them again._

 _Ten, nine, eight,_ I yawned, _where was I? That had to have taken a few seconds._

_Five, four, three, two-_

Something bright tore across the sky and I shot upwards. _The Southern Lights._ We had to be close.

"Attention passengers," the voice on the intercom announced, "we are approaching our final destination. Please prepare to disembark. Thank you for sailing with us, and enjoy the South Pole!"

I rushed out of the cabin and out onto the deck, trying my best to ignore the cold biting at my nose. I needed to be first off the ship and get to Korra's house before it got too late in the evening, before she would call it a night.

I scanned the crowd as I descended the ramp onto the dock. The ship had been almost completely booked with tourists traveling to the South Pole for the festival, and the dock was packed with Southern Water Tribespeople waiting to be reunited with returning family. I slowly made my way through people hugging and laughing and bumped into a group of tourists pointing at a map, arguing over which way they were supposed to go.

"Asami!" I spun around and saw Tonraq, backing away from the crowd and waving his hand in the air. I waved back and pushed my way through a sea of people wearing blue, and realized that my pink parka made me stick out like a sore thumb. He threw his arms around me as I was finally spat out from the crowd. "You made it! How was the trip?"

"Oh, it was fine until the storm," I said as we left the dock. "I'm sorry I'm so late, how long were you waiting?"

"Not too long," he said as we approached the snowmobile. "I was actually running a little late, too. This hunk of junk is falling apart and almost didn't start, I was worried I'd have to bring Naga."

"What's going on with it? I can take a look, if you like." I offered.

He shook his head as he secured my bag to the back. "You're on vacation!" He said, helping me onto the snowmobile, "let's get you home before you freeze to death in that coat." He turned the key in the ignition and the engine spluttered once. "If this damn thing would work."

"Tonraq, let me take a look at it tom-" but the engine finally kicked into gear and the snowmobile lurched forward. I pulled my scarf up over my face in a failed attempt to shield myself from the cold air and squinted to protect my eyes from watering, which only forced the tears out onto my cheeks.

 _I'm going to take Korra up on her offer to get me some warmer Water Tribe clothes_ , I thought as they froze against my skin.

Before long we pulled up outside Korra's house and Tonraq led us inside. "Well, at least we made it home! I hope you're hungry, Senna was cooking up a storm earlier."

My stomach clenched as I pulled the scarf away from my face. "Honestly, I'm feeling a little seasick after sailing past that storm."

"Asami, it's so good to see you, sweetie!" Senna said in a hushed tone as she rushed through from the kitchen to hug me. "Are you hungry?"

"I'm actually feeling a little sick, we had to dodge a pretty bad storm." I looked past Senna's shoulder as we hugged, expecting Korra to appear behind her. "Is Korra still up?"

Senna pulled away. "She fell asleep about an hour ago. I can go wake her if you want to say hello, I'm sure she wouldn't mind."

"No," my stomach sank as I declined the offer. "I'd hate to disturb her when she's had so much trouble sleeping lately."

"It's been difficult. You'd think with everything her body is going through she would be exhausted by the end of the day," Tonraq said, "but she just can't seem to get a good night's sleep."

"It's a good sign that she managed to fall asleep so quickly tonight, usually she's up until well past midnight," she said.

"Progress is progress, no matter how small." I added.

"I really hope so. Follow me, I'll show you to your room. You must be exhausted after your journey," Senna said as she led me through the kitchen and past a table and chairs that looked out of place in a Southern Water Tribe home, where most people sat on cushions on the floor. It didn't help that there was one chair missing.

There were portraits of Korra and her parents, some just of her, and newspaper clippings scattered around the frames. Headlines about her pro-bending matches, about her defeating Amon and restoring his victims' bending, about her victory against Unaloq and Vaatu, but none about defeating the Red Lotus. Not even anything about restoring the Air Nation and saving the Airbenders. Despite all the good she had just done, none of it was on display.

I followed Senna around the corner and into a darkened hallway, all the way to the room next to Korra's. "You make yourself at home, sweetheart," Senna said, opening the door into my room. "There's a fireplace if you get cold, don't hesitate to use it."

"Thank you for having me, Senna," I said, placing my bag on the ground. "It's really good to see you guys again."

"Oh, we're more than happy to have you, Korra's really missed you these past few months," she said, pulling me into another quick hug. "Sleep in as long as you like, okay? We're not exactly running on a tight schedule here," she whispered, closing the door behind her as she left.

Against the wall I shared with Korra was a vanity, and directly across from it there was a large bed pushed up against the wall on the left. The Southern Lights were shining through the window opposite me, dancing along the floor and the mass of pelts on the bed. I tossed my coat onto the chair in front of the vanity and quickly changed into my pajamas. 

_T_ _hese are definitely not suited for a South Pole winter,_ I thought as I wrapped myself in one of the pelts that laid on my bed and squatted in front of the fireplace. But I couldn't be bothered to try building a fire myself, so I let myself collapse into the bed and breathed a sigh of relief as I got comfortable under the quilts and pelts. I could just hear Korra snoring lightly on the other side of the wall, and brushed off the weird feeling in my stomach as me still feeling a little seasick from the storm.

* * *

I heard someone bounding towards me and, before I could even open my eyes, something soft and wet dragged across the side of my face. My eyes flew open to find Naga standing over me, tail wagging and tongue hanging out the side of her mouth. "Good morning to you, too, I guess," I said, wiping my face with whichever pelt was closest.

And from behind her, I heard a familiar chuckle. "I think you mean ' _good afternoon_ '."

 _Did I really sleep in that long?_ I lifted myself up and peered around Naga, who was still wagging her tail and nudging me with her nose to win my attention. Just inside the doorway was Korra, her elbow propped up on the arm of her wheelchair and her head resting on her hand. She smiled.

"Gimme a sec, girl," I said, kissing Naga's head as I got out of bed. "I can't believe I'm finally seeing you for the first time in months!"

Korra held out her hand as I approached her. "Help me up, I need to give you a hug."

I offered my arm and she took it, pulling herself up and using her other arm to push herself forward. I took her other arm and pulled her towards me without gripping too hard. "Please be careful," I said, "I don't want you to hurt yourself just for a hug."

She wrapped her arms around my shoulders so she could lean her weight off of her legs and onto me, and I wrapped my arms around her waist to help hold her up. "I can handle a hug! I just can't for too long, and I'll need you to help lower me back down."

"Of course," I breathed. I felt her slipping and helped her back into her wheelchair, letting my hands drag across the length of her forearms as I stood back up. "I'm sorry I slept in so late, I guess I must've been really tired from the trip."

"I'm sorry I was already asleep by the time you got here!"

"Don't be, I'm just glad you got a good night's sleep."

"I could say the same to you." She turned towards the door. "Come on, let's get you some food. You must be starving."

I followed her down the hall and into the kitchen, led only by the sound of something crackling as I watched her shoulder blades draw close together and apart again as she wheeled herself into the kitchen. Her ponytail was bouncing on the space between them–her hair had gotten longer over the past few months.

"Hey, sleepyhead!" Tonraq teased, breaking my trance. "You're just in time, Senna's cooking us up some puffin-seal sausages."

"They smell amazing," I said as I sat in the chair next to the open space where Korra now sat. She leaned forward to reach for the teapot and from the corner of my eye I saw her ponytail again brush against that space, and wondered whether or not it tickled a little when it did. _You have hair long enough for a ponytail, tie it up and find out for yourself._

"Asami?" She asked.

"Hmm?"

"Tea?"

"Oh. Yeah, I'd love some."

"Still half asleep, huh?" Tonraq teased.

I shrugged. "I guess so."

"Leave her be! She's just had a long journey," Senna said as she sat at the table with us, bringing a heaping plate of sausages with her. "Do you girls have any fun plans for the day?"

Korra and I looked at each other. "Nothing yet. Was there anything you wanted to do?" She asked.

I held my tea close to my chest to help keep me warm. "Honestly, I could use some warmer clothes, I completely forgot how cold it is here."

"I'm surprised you didn't freeze to death last night, sleeping in that," she said, one eyebrow raised as she looked me up and down–I was in silk pajama pants and a tank top, my robe wrapped tightly around me. "We can go into town today and get you some new stuff. I'll let you borrow something to wear in the meantime?"

* * *

I lifted myself off my pillow and tossed it onto the ground. It landed softly on top of the other one I'd already thrown off the bed as I leaned over to grab the other one from next to me and pulled it under my head. I'd already flipped over the first two pillows twice, trying to take advantage of the cool side on each of them, and still couldn't bring myself to sleep.

I tried rolling onto my back and curled my arms around my unsettled stomach. I hadn't felt this way since...Spirits, since the day Korra was poisoned. Seeing her body limp in Tonraq's arms, her hand falling as the light left her eyes, I thought she had just died in the Avatar state. And I was frozen, helpless, holding my breath to stop myself from crying as Zaheer laughed.

I gasped, not realizing I'd forgotten to breathe as I remembered, and rolled over to watch the lights from the Spirit Portal shine on the floor. _Look, you're not there anymore, and neither is Korra. She's safe and sound in the next room. Think of something comforting._

"Okay. Thoughts on this one?" I asked, emerging from behind the curtain.

Korra smiled, the left side of her mouth lifting slightly higher than the right. "Wow, uh," she shook her head, "you look like a real Southern Water Tribe girl."

I shoved my hands in the pockets and turned around to look at my own reflection. I was trying on a matching set of dark blue pants and a long sleeved shirt, both lined with elephant seal fur. I wasn't used to wearing blue. "It's definitely different for me."

"If you don't like the dark blue you can try the set in a lighter shade," the seamstress offered.

"Oh, no, I love this," I assured her, turning a little in the mirror to check out the side view when I caught Korra watching, chewing on her bottom lip in an unsuccessful attempt to stifle a smile. "I'd love to try on the light blue, too. I definitely need more than one set."

"Yeah, I can't have you stealing all my clothes," Korra teased, again raising that eyebrow at me as I made eye contact with her in the mirror.

My heart fluttered for a half a second, and then my stomach dropped. I rolled over and yanked the pile of blankets and pelts up over my head and let my face burn into the pillow.

But I couldn't stay stewing underneath the blankets for very long. I pulled them off of my head as I rolled over and glanced across the room, right at the bag of new clothes I had bought earlier that day.

Korra had forgotten to ask me to give her shirt back.

 _She never has to know,_ I thought as I slid out of bed and tip-toed across the room, carefully stepping around the pillows on the floor.

I didn't find her shirt until I'd pulled out all the new clothes and tossed them behind me. Hers was worn in, the fur lining was flattened a little and the elbows were slightly creased. I pulled it over my head as I climbed back into bed, and it was only when I let out a yawn that I noticed how much it smelled like her. It was overwhelming, and I was left absolutely brimming with guilt that she had now become my safety.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! didn’t wanna leave you all hanging so, here is the first chapter to this fic. it will be a while before this is updated, I have finals and then I’m applying to a grad program. just wanted to give you all a taste before taking some time off <3


	2. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fluff, fluff, and more fluff

I could see Korra lying on my bed out of the corner of my eye. She was on her stomach with her elbows propped up on a pillow, resting her head on her left hand and talking with her right as she excitedly listed all the things she wanted to do together at the festival. There was still a week until it started, but she was so animated and bright that I had to keep forcing my attention back to my reflection in the mirror. I’d been trying to do my eyeliner for fifteen minutes but kept getting distracted because I couldn’t look away from her for long. How could I?

Our eyes met in the mirror and I darted mine away back to my own reflection.

“I don’t know how you do that every single day,” she said. “It takes so long.”

“It’s not so bad, once you get the hang of it.”

“When did you learn?”

“I think I was like, 13? Maybe 14?” I guessed, finally getting the chance to trace a line along my lashes. “My mom always wore eyeliner and lipstick and I wanted to sorta follow in her footsteps but my father was pretty strict about it.”

“How’d you convince him?”

“I told him I needed to practice before I started actually working at Future Industries,” I flicked the line upwards, “once the image of the company was on the line he couldn’t really say no.”

“Do you think you could teach me someday?” She asked.

I paused to answer before starting on my other eye. “Of course. I didn’t think you’d be interested in this kind of stuff.”

“I mean, I don’t think I could wear makeup every day,” she said. “But maybe I could for special occasions?”

“You’d have to practice, though,” I told her. “The only reason I’m good at this is because I do it every day.”

“Hmm,” she huffed as she leaned on her other hand. “Maybe I’ll just have you do it for me, then.”

“I’d love to!” I smiled as I accepted the invitation, accidentally smudging the line that I’d just drawn.

“It’ll be so cute, us getting ready together.”

I loved the idea of us in my room, listening to music on the radio as we picked out what to wear, but “ _cute_ ” made me flinch. It wasn’t that I disagreed. It _would_ be cute. I wanted her to be back in Republic City and I wanted us to spend time together like that. I wanted to use my finger to pat a light layer of lipstick onto her mouth drag my fingernail along the edge of her lip to clean it up.

_What the fuck?_

But she looked so hopeful at the thought that someday that could happen. I wasn’t going to squash that dream. And, however selfish it might have been, I wanted it, too. “We would be the hottest people there,” I said.

She grinned. “You say that as if we’re not already the hottest people everywhere we go.”

* * *

“Here, you cut along this line,” Senna said, tracing her finger along the abdomen of the fish. “It’s going to get a little gross, so don’t worry about making a mess.”

I dragged the knife along the fish and watched some of the organs spill out onto the wooden cutting board. “You weren’t kidding.”

“I guess you don’t really have to gut your own food living in the city, you probably get it all prepared and ready to go from the market, huh?”

“Honestly, I don’t cook all that much,” I admitted. But I had stupidly promised Korra that I would cook for her if she let me come visit. I’d practiced a couple recipes before leaving Republic City and they turned out mediocre at best. Edible, but not enjoyable.

“You don’t?”

I shook my head and pulled out the rest of the guts. “Mom did most of the cooking. I used to help her out in the kitchen but I was so young that I wasn’t really doing much that was helpful. After she died my dad hired a chef.”

“And they never taught you?”

“No. I didn’t really want to learn,” I explained. “It was hard for me to be in the kitchen without her.”

“So nobody’s ever taught you how to cook?”

“Nope.” I grabbed another two-headed fish and slit its stomach open. “I did learn how to fight, though, after the break-in. My father was terrified of losing me, too, so he signed me up for self-defense lessons.”

He never actually admitted that he was scared. I don’t think he wanted me to know. He was supposed to protect me and in his mind he had already failed once. Losing Mom in the process made him realize that he couldn’t do it alone. What would it say to an already traumatized, impressionable child if they knew their protector was scared shitless? 

Instead he focused on my own apparent anxiety. He said that he knew I was afraid and reassured me I didn’t have to be. He framed it as an opportunity–I could let that fear destroy me or I could use it to my advantage. " _Turn it into something_ useful", he told me. So we did. I practiced for hours every day and he threw himself into his work. I assumed that was when he got involved with the Equalists.

“Korra had said you could hold your own in a fight,” Senna said, pulling me back into the conversation. “I didn’t know you had learned from such a young age, though. I can’t imagine little Asami taking down her opponents.”

I laughed. “I did once when I was little. Dad was pretty angry with me for it.”

“What happened?”

“Long story short, I beat up this guy at a gala who was being really creepy towards some woman.” I looked up from my fish and made eye contact with Senna, whose hand held a knife still against a fish as she looked back at me in surprise. _Oh, no._

She smiled. “How old were you?”

 _Phew._ “Ten.”

“Wow!” She looked back down at her fish, shaking her head as she chuckled. “How did a ten year old kid take down a grown adult?”

“Easy, I grabbed him by the ankle and pulled. He fell, and then I started kicking him.”

She burst out laughing. “I can see why your father wasn’t too happy about that.”

“That’s not even the worst part, Lin Beifong had to drag me away from him.”

“No…”

“Yup.” I nodded. “Sometimes I wonder if she remembers, she’s never mentioned it.”

“That’s probably for the best!” She was slicing and gutting the fish twice as fast as I was. “I guess given what your life looks like now, it’s more useful for you to know how to fight than it is to cook.”

In an attempt to catch up to her I cut the next fish a little too vigorously and sliced right through it. _Shit._ “I should probably learn, though. I’m planning on moving out of the estate as soon as I can find an apartment.”

“Korra mentioned you were thinking of finding your own place.”

“Yeah, it’s kind of lonely now that it’s just me.” Mako and Bolin’s family from Ba Sing Se were still staying in the estate, so it didn’t feel vacant, but it felt like it was no longer mine. It hadn’t for a while, but watching another family live happily within it made me realize what the estate was supposed to be: a shelter, a home, but it ceased to be either of those things for the Sato family after my mom’s death. I didn’t belong there anymore, and I was okay with that. If it couldn’t be a home for me anymore then it should at least be a home for someone else. I was ready to find one of my own elsewhere.

“I imagine it’s probably not the same now that your dad is gone too.”

I shrugged. “Honestly, it’s lonely now without the rest of Team Avatar.”

“I’m sure you guys will all be reunited in the city someday,” she said. “I hope so, anyway. I think that’s where Korra belongs.”

I smiled without looking up from the pile of freshly-gutted fish in front of me. “I think so, too. I know she’s anxious to get back.”

“I really hope you coming to visit will help to speed up her recovery.”

“Do you think it will?”

“I wouldn’t be surprised. She really missed you and I haven’t seen her this happy since before she was poisoned. It’s like she’s come back to life.” She stopped gutting.

I looked up from my fish and saw that she was holding back tears. “She’s going to recover from this,” I said, taking her hand, “and knowing Korra, she’ll come out of this even stronger than before. She’s the strongest person I’ve ever known.”

“I know she’ll get through it. It’s just so hard to watch her have to do this.”

It was hard enough from a distance. As much as I wanted to be here with her while she recovered, I couldn’t imagine witnessing it all first-hand. To hear her screams in the night while she relives it in her sleep and watch her quite literally have to sit out all the conflicts arising in the world when she was so clearly born to dive right into it. Korra wasn’t just powerful, she was the very embodiment of it, and someone tried to take that away from her. He had failed, of course, but she didn’t exactly win, either. Survival always comes at a cost and Korra had paid dearly.

“You do so much for her.” Senna said, breaking the silence as she squeezed my hand. “I hope you know that.”

I put my hand on top of hers and squeezed back. “She does a lot for me, too.”

“I’m glad you girls have each other.”

“Me too.”

* * *

I watched the windchimes for what felt like hours before they finally started tinkling. The air twisted round and tapped one, then the next, before travelling down the line of them, but something about the sound felt...off. Harsh. Grating. The air carried a familiar scent with it. Something soft and rich–sandalwood, maybe? The breeze dissipated, taking the scent away from me while the sound of the charms faded. 

_I must be at Jinora’s ceremony._

I could hear Tenzin speaking to the crowd. Everything was still yet the chimes started up again, or maybe it was the ringing in my ears.

I looked up and realized they weren’t even moving anymore. Someone was crying. I turned and saw Senna sitting next to me, her face buried in her hands.

_Why is she crying?_

I looked back up at Tenzin. Jinora was not standing with him, instead she was sitting in the crowd with the rest of us. Where she should have been was a portrait of Korra. I looked to the right, expecting to see her in her wheelchair, but she wasn’t there.

“Korra was a fierce friend, a passionate woman, and a truly selfless Avatar dedicated to bringing both justice and balance to our world. She was one of the most incredible individuals I have ever known, and I am deeply saddened that her life was cut so short. The Air Nomads are eternally grateful for her sacrifice, and we will ensure that she did not die in vain…”

Senna began weeping so uncontrollably that I could see her shoulders heaving out of the corner of my eye, she was gasping and shrieking so forcefully that the room began to shake. The chimes thrashed, their metal tubes screeching against each other completely off-rhythm to her sobs. The ringing started deep in my ears and expanded, inflating like a balloon until the rubber stretched so thin it was going to burst. I braced myself for impact, but it was pushed back out again by a throbbing so deep and thunderous that I couldn’t hear Tenzin, I couldn’t hear Senna. I couldn’t hear anything, and my breath caught in my throat as I tried to cry out-

Then I choked, gasped, and finally woke myself up. I pulled my knees to my chest and held them, trying to either prevent myself from shaking in fear or shivering as I felt myself grow cold coming back down from the nightmare. Half of the hair I had tied into a bun had fallen out and was stuck on the back of my neck.

I got out of bed and winced as the layer of sweat on my body met the cool air. _Maybe she still has some of that tea I sent her_ , I thought as I pulled her shirt over my head _._

I fixed my bun as I tiptoed into the hallway, but stopped outside Korra's room. It sounded like someone was rolling over in bed, again and again, when suddenly she let out a small cry.

I let myself in. Her face was scrunched up as she twitched underneath the covers, muttering. Most of it was unintelligible, except for three words: "poison", "no", and "help".

I ran to her and sat on the bed, but she still didn’t wake. I grabbed her shoulders and squeezed. “Korra,” I whispered. “Korra!”

Her eyes flew open, bangs strewn across them. “Asami?”

“It’s me. You’re okay.”

She sighed. “Did I wake you up?”

“No, I was getting up to make a cup of tea.” I brushed her hair away from her eyes so she could see she was here, she was safe, and let my hand rest against her cheek. “Do you want one?”

“Yeah.” She took my hand and squeezed it. “Why are you up making tea so late?”

“I had a bad dream, too.” I stood up. “You stay here, I’ll bring you back a cup.”

She didn’t let go of my hand. “No, I’ll come with you. That way you don’t have to build a fire yourself. Help me up?”

I helped her into her chair, and as we made our way into the kitchen I found myself watching the space between her shoulders again. This time she didn’t have her hair tied back into a ponytail, it was down and tangled, some of it tousled up a bit. 

“I’ll meet you there, I’ll be right back.” I grabbed my hairbrush from my room and returned to the kitchen to find that Korra had already lit the fire and filled the teapot with water. 

“Why...why the hairbrush?” She asked.

“Trust me, you don’t want to go back to sleep with all those knots. They’ll only get worse.” I started at the ends of her hair and worked my way up, running my fingers through the strands as they untangled. My pinky brushed against the back of her neck as I pulled it all into a braid, and she shivered.

“Sorry, did I hurt you?” I asked.

“No,” she giggled, “You’re fine, I’m just ticklish.”

The thought of the Avatar, master of all four elements, being ticklish made me smile. “There," I said, using every ounce of willpower to not let my finger stroke her spine as I finished tying it and let it fall between her shoulders. "All set.”

“Want me to do you?”

My heart jumped. I handed her the hair brush and pulled my hair out of the bun, tossing it over my shoulders as I sat down on the floor in front of her. “Sure.”

“What was your nightmare about?” She asked, tugging at one of the knots.

I gulped. “It was about you.”

“Me?”

“Yeah,” I could feel my cheeks blush and was suddenly thankful that we weren’t face to face. “At first it seemed like it was Jinora’s ceremony, but something changed and all of a sudden it was your funeral.”

She pulled back a strand of hair, her finger grazing my ear. “I thought you only had nightmares about the break-in.”

“Me too,” I said.“What was yours about?”

“It was weird. It was after Zaheer poisoned me. I survived, but I was talking to my dad and he was telling me that you didn’t make it. You went to save the Airbenders but it was a trap and Ghazan destroyed the temple before you could get out.”

“What are they usually about?” I asked.

“Usually it’s me reliving the poisoning. I’ve been having the same nightmare for months,” she said, “but I haven’t had any the past few nights. Until tonight, and it was different.”

“What about Mako and Bolin? Did they make it out?”

“I don’t know," she said, and stopped brushing my hair. "I don’t even know if they were there. In my dream, I mean.” 

The water came to a boil and I jumped to my feet. “Where do you keep your teacups?” I asked, keeping my back to her.

“Check on the table, Mom usually leaves them there before she goes to bed so they’re ready for breakfast in the morning.”

I rounded the corner into the dining room, still avoiding eye contact. There was some sick part of me that felt almost glad that Mako and Bolin weren’t in her dream, that it was just me, and I didn’t want her to pick up on that. She had just had a nightmare. Nothing about that should’ve made me happy.

I poured the tea into two cups and walked back into the living room to give her hers. “Are you okay?” I asked when I noticed her staring at her feet.

“Is it bad that Mako and Bolin weren’t in my dream?” She asked, taking her tea.

I sat on the floor in front of her and leaned against her leg. “Korra, it was a nightmare," I said as I set my tea down on the floor in front of me. "You don't need to punish yourself for your subconscious.”

“It’s not just the nightmare, though. You’re the only person I write to. You’re the only person I wanted to come and visit.”

“I mean, my nightmare didn’t include Mako and Bolin either,” I said it to reassure her that it wasn't a big deal, but it wound up looking like me trying to call attention to the fact that we worried more about losing each other than Mako and Bolin.

“Isn’t that bad of us? That we’re not including two of our closest friends?”

“I don’t think that you and I being closer to each other means that we don’t care about the rest of the team. We’d still drop everything to help them if they needed us.”

Korra scoffed. “I can’t.”

“Maybe not right now,” I squeezed her arm, “but they would understand. And if you could, you would. You and I both know that, and so do they.”

“I feel guilty, like I don’t care for them as much as I care about you.”

I shifted my weight off of her and took a sip of my tea as I tried to think of something to say. “Would you be mad at Mako and Bolin for caring more about one another than say, you or I? Or at Tenzin for caring more about Pema and the Air babies than us?”

“Of course not.”

“Then what reason would they have to be mad at you and I?”

“Mako and Bolin are brothers. Tenzin and Pema are married, they have children together.” She finally lifted her eyes and looked at me. “What are we?”

“I don’t know,” I let out a sigh to give myself a second to come up with a response. It shouldn’t have been difficult. The obvious answer was that we were friends, best friends, but that somehow simultaneously fell too short and assumed too much.

“We have a really strong bond, and we get each other, and we care very deeply for each other.” I stated. “None of those things are shameful.”

Her lips lifted into a little half smile. “I guess this is just what it’s like to have a girl friend.”

“I guess so.” I didn’t realize my hand was resting on her forearm until I pulled away from her to stand. “Another cup before bed?”

“Sure,” she said, holding onto my pinky as I turned away. “Hang on, is that my shirt?”

 _Shit._ “Yeah, I got cold. I’m sorry. I should’ve given it back to you.”

“No, it’s okay, you can wear it for now. Just as long as I get it back before you leave.”

“Of course,” I said, half hoping she’d forget about it so I could sneak it back to Republic City with me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys <3 just wanted to give a bit of a content warning, I guess, for the rest of the fic. as I write this and explore Asami’s character/role in Korra’s life, it's become obvious to me that something that held her back from confessing her feelings was some internalized lesbophobia that often shows itself as the “dumb gay” trope. it’s something that I think a lot of lesbian, bi, and pan women can relate to, and I’m kinda peeved that it’s become kind of a joke in the community that we can be oblivious to romantic/sexual chemistry because that obliviousness comes from a place of fear. for me, I feared that I was “preying” on the girls I had crushes on that I was “just friends” with. we’re so afraid of making another woman uncomfortable that we often convince ourselves that whatever signs we think we may be getting are probably just all in our head, and to act on them would be wrong. we don’t want her to be uncomfortable, we don’t want to ruin the friendship, and because we care for (and sometimes even love) her we decide to push those feelings away because ultimately we want to be there for her, we want what’s best for her.  
> it’s upsetting to know that so often we think that what we feel for her, what we want to give to her, must be in direct opposition of what is best for her. and in some situations that might be the case, but the fact that we assume that as a default is tragic. we’ve been conditioned to think that our love is wrong, that the women we want to give it to should be protected from it. sometimes the “dumb lesbian” jokes can be kinda funny because they’re relatable, but underneath it all is a very sad reality. and that’s something I wanted to explore in this fic, and it wound up being a major part of Asami’s character development.  
> so I wanted to give a warning about it before you continue to read. I know it can be a difficult thing to read about or watch in shows and movies. but I hope that I’ll do the topic justice, and that maybe reading Asami’s character development regarding her internalized lesbophobia could help someone else. because at the end of the day, I don’t think we’re “dumb” at all. I think we’re afraid. and that’s what Asami deals with in this fic: she isn’t stupid at all, she’s scared. but she doesn’t have to be, and neither do you.


	3. Alone Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I don’t know where you’re going  
>  but do you got room for one more troubled soul?  
> I don’t know where I’m going  
> but I don’t think I’m coming home_

“Senna, do you have any honey?” I called from the kitchen. I usually drank my tea straight but the cold air was so dry that my throat was starting to get a little scratchy. My voice had cracked earlier that day as I said good morning to Korra, which sent her into a fit of laughter. “ _It’s kinda hot,_ ” she had said, “ _but clearly you hate it so now I have to make fun of you._ ”

“There should be some where I keep my herbs and spices!”

Sure enough, there was a little jar with a thin layer of dust on the lid behind all her spices. I put it on the tray with everything else and brought it through to the living room and set it on the table.

“Cold air’s getting to you, huh?” She asked, pouring us both a cup.

I laughed. “That obvious?”

“Take as much as you need, sweetie,” she said as she handed me my tea. “We’re all used to it so we don’t use it much, anyway.”

I thanked her as I spooned some honey out of the jar. “This is so weird, it didn’t happen last time I was here,” I said, stirring it in.

“Oh, this year it’s especially cold. I can’t remember the last time it was like this.”

“So my voice is going to sound like this the whole time, isn’t it?” I asked. I don’t know whether I wanted my suspicion confirmed or not. My pride didn’t want to give Korra any more material but part of me liked that she wanted to hear my voice, even if only to drive me up the fucking wall.

“Probably,” she said.

I clinked my teacup against hers. “Cheers.”

“I’m glad you’re still at least enjoying yourself here, despite the cold.”

“I’m not going to let a sore throat get in the way of me being here.” I took a sip and tried not to pull a face–I had definitely used too much honey. “It’s really good to see Korra and you guys again.”

“Honestly?” Senna said, pausing to check over her shoulder. Tonraq had left to take Korra to her healing session with Katara and was due back any minute. “I’m kind of glad that it’s just you,” she continued. “Don’t ever tell Korra I said this, but I never really liked Mako.”

She said this just as I took a big gulp of tea, and thank Spirits I did, because if there was nothing to stop me I would have probably burst out laughing. “I won’t say anything,” I promised her.

“He’s part of Team Avatar, I get it,” she continued, not without sucking her teeth first. “But he was a terrible boyfriend.”

“Yeah, that wasn’t too surprising. He wasn’t a good boyfriend for me, either.”

“Oh,” Senna’s head tilted. “I didn’t know you guys dated.”

I gave her the abridged version of our relationship, but decided to leave out the part where I stupidly made a move on him when her daughter disappeared.

“What a pig,” she muttered.

I could only hum in agreement before taking another sip.

“I hope you found somebody better!”

“No,” I said, but it felt so wrong that I had to correct myself. “Not yet, anyway.” But that didn’t feel right, either.

“You will,” she said with a nod, as if she knew something that I didn’t. “You’re a wonderful girl.”

Her approval felt unearned, and I looked away from her in search of another direction to steer the conversation when Tonraq burst in, face red, panting. Senna hastily put her cup on the table and kicked the leg as she rounded it and rushed to his side.

He shook his head. “I’m fine,” he panted. “It’s the snowmobile. It conked out halfway between Katara’s and here and I had to bring it myself.”

“If we work together we can probably get it fixed in time for you to get Korra,” I offered.

* * *

The spark plugs had gone but luckily Tonraq had an extra set he’d bought recently. He knew the snowmobile was on its way out, but if he was as stubborn as his daughter, he would run it into the ground before replacing it.

But he was called for an emergency council meeting and had to leave before we could finish, so I offered to keep working on it and pick up Korra if he needed to leave immediately. He thanked me, and took Naga. I promised I’d let Korra know.

Really I was just relieved I was able to get out of the conversation. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to spend time with Senna. I liked her. A lot, actually, she always treated me like I had always been in Korra’s life. Like I had always known them as a family.

But I always thought that was just who Senna was, not that I had actually gained her trust or something.

I pulled up outside of Katara’s, killed the engine, and looked upwards where the rear view mirror would be so I could fix my hair. There wasn't one. I was just going to have to run my fingers through it and hope for the best. _It doesn’t matter,_ I reminded myself, _it’s just Korra._

And yet, I flipped it over my shoulder as she came outside. 

But like the night prior, her eyes were too focused on her own feet to notice. It took her a second to see the snowmobile before she finally looked up and saw me. “Oh, it’s you.”

“Damn, don’t sound _too_ excited to see me.” I chuckled. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” she said, making her way towards me. “Just a rough session.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

She sighed. “I kinda wanna go home but I also don’t feel like being around anyone right now.”

“Well, your dad was called for some emergency council thing, so he’s out of the house.” I explained the spark plugs, why I was the one to come get her, and that he had taken Naga. “I can bring you back and I’m sure Senna and I could find someplace else to go?” 

“No, I mean...I don’t know.” Her voice was soft and uncharacteristically apprehensive. “I don’t want to see my parents right now because they’re just gonna worry but I still wanna be around you.” She started to push herself out of her chair and I helped her stand up. “I wanna be alone with you.”

“We can be alone together?” I offered as I helped her into the snowmobile. I knew it was a risky suggestion, given that the snowmobile was only just fixed, but it was just the spark plugs that needed replacing. That had been the only issue, at least it was the only one I could find. “Just tell me where you want to go and I’ll take you there.”

“Republic City?”

I laughed as I attached her chair to the back of the snowmobile. “Something tells me I’ll need more than this hunk of junk to get there.”

“There’s a cliff we can go to,” she said as I sat back in the driver’s seat, “but it’ll be cold.”

“What, you think I can’t handle a little cold?”

She tightened her ponytail. “I dunno, it sure _sounds_ like you’re struggling.”

I turned to glare at her. She was already smiling, clearly pleased with herself for keeping her word and pushing my buttons, and I broke within seconds. “You’re lucky I like you, Avatar.”

“Fuck off, you love me.”

I rolled my eyes and turned the key in the ignition. “Tell me where to go.”

She gave me directions through the center of town, past her house, past the docks, so far out that you could barely see the town and chances are, nobody would be able to see you, either. The most I could make out was the glow of the Spirit Portal and the ships coming and going.

She pointed out little spots along the way: where she used to live, where she would have gone to school if she hadn’t been the Avatar, the restaurant she and her parents went to any time they had something to celebrate, the library, where they were building the South Pole’s first movie theater, until finally we were past civilization and in the wilderness. 

I killed the engine and squinted as I pushed my goggles up off my face again, expecting the sunlight to bounce off the glacier and the sea on either side of us. Instead it was half concealed by wisps of clouds, turning what would have been blinding light into a safer golden haze–the perfect complement to the blue of the water and the skies. “I can see why you like it up here,” I said.

“Pretty, huh?”

“Yeah,” I agreed, watching her take her hair out of her ponytails. The wind had loosened them on the drive, and she didn’t bother to tie it all back up again. “I’m not used to seeing you with your hair down."

“You saw it down last night!” She reminded me, brushing her bangs away from her eyes.

“Right, but that was different,” I said. “I’m not used to it during the day.”

She shrugged. “Now that I’m off Avatar duty for a while I don’t need to worry about keeping it up and out of my face.”

“I like it,” I admitted. “I know the circumstances suck, but I think it’s nice.” It was more than nice. I loved everything about it. I thought of how soft it had felt the night before as I pulled it into a braid and almost offered to do it again.

But she spoke before I could, and I lost my chance. “I could say the same about your voice,” she said, and I wondered if we meant the same thing.

“Ugh,” I said, shaking my head as I looked away from her. “You’re never gonna stop teasing me for that, are you?”

“Nope.”

“You’re the worst,” I lied.

“I know.”

 _Do you?_ “I mean it, Korra.”

“No, you don’t.”

Did I really think I was capable of not conceding to her? “You’re right,” I sighed. “I don’t.”

We sat quietly for a few minutes and watched where the water met the horizon in the distance as the sun dipped below the sky and melted into pink. It looked a lot warmer than it felt. Maybe it was deceptive like that, or maybe it was just a simple invitation to forget everything else and appreciate what was right in front of us. 

The days were getting shorter as the winter solstice snuck up on us. I always hated the lack of sunlight that came with the changing seasons back in Republic City, and the saturation of artificial lighting made it impossible to see the stars. We collectively declined the invitation every single night. It felt like a wasted opportunity.

But here the stars were bright and abundant, and if you were patient you might see a striking blue or violet ruffle across the sky. Or a bright reddish orange if you were really lucky. Korra said she thought she saw it in red not long after she left Republic City, but it might’ve been a dream. She actually thought somebody was Firebending just outside her window, and her mind immediately went to P’Li and the rest of the Red Lotus. By the time she remembered they were dead and that their only surviving member was now in prison it had already disappeared again.

A star flung across the sky and, without thinking, I grabbed her arm. I wanted to make sure she had just seen it, too. 

I turned to ask. She was already looking at me with a smile on her face. “Did you see that?”

I nodded. “Make a wish.”

She tilted her head towards the sky again and exhaled. “I wish I could go to the Spirit World.”

It caught me off guard that she had said it out loud. I was sure it was bad luck to vocalize your wishes like that, and I was suddenly very aware that I hadn't let go of her arm. I would have drawn attention to it if I did, but pulling away could just as easily have come across as me trying not to make it weird, which would make it _actually_ weird.

I settled on rubbing my thumb against the sleeve of her shirt. “Why not just go through the portal?” I asked.

“The Spirit World is unpredictable,” she said. “I don’t wanna risk getting hurt.”

I slid my hand down her arm and she opened her fist, letting my fingers intertwine with hers before closing it again. “I could come with you?” I offered.

She shook her head before I even finished my sentence. “Maybe someday, but not right now,” she said when I was done. “Not when I can’t protect you. I can’t take that chance.”

“Listen, Avatar,” I teased, “you don’t have to worry about protecting me. I can handle myself.”

“I know you can, but-” she paused to take a shallow breath, “I don’t know what I would do if something happened to you. It’s hard enough being so far away from you for so long...”

Her voice trailed off and I waited for her to finish her thought, but she didn’t. “Has meditation worked?” I asked.

“I haven’t even tried yet.”

“Why not?”

“I think I was too scared,” she admitted.

“But not anymore?”

“Not as much.” She used her other hand to tuck her hair behind her ear. “I think I could try.”

“Hey,” I said, and she looked at me again. “I think you could, too.”

She smiled, then averted her gaze toward our hands. “We should probably head back before my parents start to worry.”

“Probably,” I agreed, also looking at our hands, wondering who would be the first to let go. Neither of us did, so I used my left hand to turn the key in the ignition and held hers with my right the whole drive home.


End file.
